Love, Is It Real?

I knew you were too good for me
You made me think of what we could be...
I thought there could be something
HA! I only thought the wrong thing.
Dreaming to be kissed in the rain and snow <3
Only goes to show..
You end up fine, I end up shaken and hurt,
You walk away with another girl...
Prettier, thinner, and popular.
I walk away with a scar on my heart.
I'm feeling okay.. at least that's a start
But deep down I'm done, losing it
I've taken the hit.
I don't deserve you.
I'll need a crew to pick up the peices, only some will be missing...
The parts of my heart I gave, and never got back.
You stay happy, while I shout on the inside how much I hurt.
No one knows how I feel,
I'm not okay, I'll never be.
There is nothing left of me for you to see.

hello??

Is there anybody out there? Anybody who reads this bloody thing? I feel like I'm invisible to the world, to the guy I like. I feel like I will never be able to do things right, or good enough for people. I don't know what it is.
A classmate of mine died last night. Though I have never met her or seen her, from what people have said, she was the best anyone could be. She was what people wanted to be, and that was herself. She didn't care what people thought of her. She made an impact on my school. I wish I could do the same. Leave a mark, a legacy, be someone people can look up to. I want to be the best lacrosse player I can be. I want to read 25 books this year(already have three done:), I want to play in the showcase for my instrument. I want to be good at something I love, I want to be the nice person I use to be. And you know what, I'm going to make that happen. I'm going to stop being so darn negative, and change my attitude about stuff. I don't care how long it takes me, but I need to be thankful for what I have, and love who I have in my life.
Tell someone you love the, thank someone who held the door open for them, smile at someone when they pass by. Like they say a smile can change a whole persons day. :) Make it your goal, and I'll make it mine. I love you.

New Year, New Me, New You

Well, I live in the mountain time zone of the United States and that means I have 53 minutes left 'till I ring in the New Year! Yay, yet there is still a tugging at my heart, am I ready for a new year, am I ready for change? I fear change. I hate having to change something that I already know. Maybe changing my room and changing my hair or the brand of makeup I wear, but not the type of change that affects the whole world. A new president will be elected in 2012, meaning new laws and new people running for office. A new school year will start next august and I will become a junior, I will start preparing for college applications, and start driving. All this seems like so much fun, but yet there is that little voice that makes me want to scream and somehow stop time. I'm not ready to move on, I want to go back into the past and redo all the crazy stuff I have done. I read a book today and it talked about how (from a religious stand point) God closes one door for a reason and will open one that seems better. God has better reasons and ways for us then we may think for ourselves. Yet, how will we know which door to open? We can't look into the future and we can only wait to see what will occur. I am excited to see what will happen in my life, if I get a job, if I get a boyfriend, if I letter in the activities I want to for school. Yet, I just want to go back in time and stay a little kid. I didn't worry about presidents, or laws, wars, even boys. I just worried about coloring in the lines and learning that a lot was two words and not one. I HOPE that this year will be different from the rest. That I will stick to my new year's resolution... to lose 20 pounds by summer and that I won't judge merely by how a person may look, talk, or act. If I can do it, anyone can do it. :) Let's open up some champagne and dance 'till the break of dawn! Party it up like there is no tomorrow, because who knows if today could be our last. :)

Smile, It Gets Better. I promise :)

Recently, I had gotten in a fight with my parents over a really stupid thing, and it caused me to do something I regretted. No not suicide, but to cut. The feeling of some other pain besides the one that had already peirced my heart seemed to have been a better idea. I wish I could redo it, take away the scabs that are forming over the wounds. Everyone gets in fights with people they love, but we take what we have for granted. We think that the people we love will be there always, when they could be taken away the next day. I just watched a video of 10 reasons why you should smile. Well, here are mine.
1. Family-they support me, and encourage me to keep pursuing my music and sports.
2. Piano- I could never give up piano, even if I hate practicing, it's like being in a whole other world.
3. Sports-Lacrosse, swimming, and dancing; things i love to do and make me happy.
4. Friends- Taylor, Brie, Cristina, Jessica, Chandler, Cody, Drea, and Rachel(need I say more?) :D
5. Music- Everfound, Jack's Mannequin, Country <3
6. History- Past events can help us from making the same mistakes in the future :)
7. My crush- though I don't talk to him, maybe one day I might get a word, or a kiss ( a girl can dream :))
8. Snow-even though I hate it, it just looks so beautiful when the crystals gleam in the sunlight
9. Letters- from friendly to a love letter, they all melt my heart and make me SMILE
10. My life- that I am still here and just waiting to take on the world, ONE step at a time <3
We musn't forget that we were put on this Earth for a reason, and that no one can bring us down. Just remember, a Smile can change a person's entire outlook on life :)

country and silence

Country has to be one of my favorite genres of music. I really don't know what got me into it, but I just fell in love. The boys are dreamy, and true gentlemen :).. MY FAVORITE! haha but I never knew that the music would totally relate to me. I effin love it bro! Anyways, have you ever felt like the whole world is against you and you don't know what to do about it? Yeah, well I did something over the summer I shouldn't have done, and I really wish that I hadn't have done it. It's ruined a lot of trust between my parents in which they feel that it is necessary to keep me home and not sleep over at other peoples house or hang out with my best friend! One, I understand where they are coming from, but if only they knew I actually learned from that mistake and that I would never do it again until I was ready. I wish they would learn that times have changed and that things happen for a reason, and that you can't always protect the people you love from the outside world. It's dangerous out there and I know it is, but you have to let go sometime. Sometimes I can't wait to leave this place, but at the same time, I wonder, what would happen to me if I left, would I be happy or would I be homesick? Just two more years and then I'll find out. Well, I guess I should go to bed, I've been locked up in my room for hours so I wouldn't have to see my parents. I'm that mad at them for not letting me sleep over, yet I get so mad at people for getting mad at their parents because they didn't let them do something.I guess I should just wait out the storm until my parents finally decide it's okay for me to hang with other people. :/ Something in which I don't how long it will take and if I'll even have the patience.

Darn... lost too soon...

You think you have it all, the perfect life, the perfect friends, the perfect guy... then it's destroyed the minute you say lets just stay friends. Ha great decision on my part, NOT! I miss Cody a lot and yeah we may be friends still but trust me, I love him to death, and I don't want to let him go. Another thing, I just want to leave this hell hole of a place. I can't do anything right for myself and I'm still trying to figure out who I am, but not while I'm here. It's a crazy place... class A bitches and hoes everywhere dating the douches of the year and they down grade on us actual nice people. I mean come on at least show a little respect for people who don't fling their v*****'s everywhere, and the guys at my school I mean come on they have no respect for girls and they think they are the shit for being on the football team... we only won one game this year! So they most definetly play like shit haha! Oh and we were suppose to have an assembly for girls on how to be kind and it's like really, does the administration think that's gonna work, once someone is the way they are they won't change. I may sound like a bitch, but what am I suppose to do let people walk all over me? Not gonna fly with. And one girl had the audacity to say my best friend was a fat ass(which she isn't). Wow, you're cool honey! People are so mean somtimes and it truly bugs me, I mean can we be nice for once and not judge someone for once? :P

Confused and loved...

Have you ever woke up from that amazing feeling that you won third in state at a marching competition and you dreamt about the dream guy you saw there? Yeah, well I woke up feeling amazing. It's hard to believe that my dream guy was my ex and that my band went from being in 26 to 3 in 5 years. It's pretty "sick-nasty". Anyways, when I saw my ex I got butterflies and goosebumps just started prickling up all over my body. I ran to him and it felt so great to be in his arms again. I knew that there must have been something still between us because I have never felt so happy in my life. Not saying that I am in love, of course not, what is a 15 year old girl suppose to know about love right? Well I woke up feelin amazing, yet I had the butterflies back in my stomach and the little voice saying "call Cody call Cody". As much as I could that little voice didn't leave me... I cleaned my room, ate breakfast, went on facebook did anything that could distract me, yet I had to call him. The phone rang and my heart was pounding faster than a humming birds wings. He picked up and called me bear... our inside joke and the funniest word that he ever says to me. Damn, his feet must be tired because he's been runnin around my head all day! :D we talked for over 4 hours... trust me it feels great to not be having to march anymore and just being able to talk on the phone and do nothin. I probably sound like a middle school dramatic teen girl, but its true, I think I found my "prince charming" for now. :)